Why not use it?

My dearest friends,

I promise to communicate to you and to follow up with news, feelings and current status. I promise to accept with open arms without any judgmental thoughts. I will be productive with my attempts to be a closer friend in order to enhance and strengthen our friendship. In my deepest heart, I do love you and care for you. May we remain to have long-lasting relationships full of contentment and love.

Love always,

Kristina

I apologize for not giving any attention to this blog for the past 4 months. My life isn't that interesting but here you go anyways... I hope my stories brings some entertainment and passes time.

Last spring quarter I was in the pediatrics rotation in San Bernardino Community Hospital. There is an acute unit and subacute. Acute is where the patients usually stay for a couple of days, in contrast, subacute is the higher acuity and long-term stay. I thought I always loved kids and pediatrics. But it was not until I had my clinical rotation in the subacute.

There were many cases where the kids had history of physical abuse, premature, poor prognosis, that lead to their long-term admission in the sub-acute. To illustrate, there were cases of Baby Shaken Syndrome, Near-drowning, prematurity, hx of using drugs during pregnancy, CHARGE syndrome, mental retardation... the list goes on.

The cases are the ones you would see on tv, but they were right in front of me. I was able to handle very sick geriatrics patients, but not pediatrics. That experience helped me to grow a thinker skin and was able to handle seeing them and taking care of them. It's quite an experience which I think everyone should experience because we take things for granted. I appreciated life more for sure.

It also allowed me to reflect my own life and what I want if I became vegetative. So here it goes: If i'm pronounced "dead" by 3 professionals, I want you to let me go by the next week. I want to be free from pain and I most certainly don't want a machine keeping me alive. Say your goodbyes. All I ask is to please forgive me because I have forgiven you. Let's remember the good times.

What would you want?

oh by the way,

*heart drops*





actually, come to think of it, it is really you.

Hugs

I'm in dire need of one.

Happy face!

Even if you stand alone,
Don't allow the world to bring you down.

Matthew

Happy Birthday Matchew!!!

Cocoon

-by Jack Johnson



"but this is all that i have, so please
take whats left of this heart, and use
please use only what you really need
you know i only have so little, so please
mend your broken heart and leave"

Honey you are the rock

I wish it was brown eyes.
But that's ok.
I still love the song
Enjoy

Sunday morning

because i love this song

It was just a dream

A long while ago I had a dream and till this day I still remember it.

I was at the beach and my friends and I were playing in the water. I noticed buildings started to fall apart and fall inside the ocean. Being the ninja that i secrectly want to be, I was dodging every little piece. I survived.

Then i noticed giant waves, treacherous tsunamis heading towards my direction! Not knowing any better, I just dove in and kept swimming, just like when you're in the ocean and a small waves come up, and you dive in towards it.

I find myself laying at the ocean shore with no survivors, expect for myself. Then I notice a boat (some type of an arc) from a distance. The people in the boat swam to shore.

The first person that comes up was someone I did not expect to be in my dreams. This person was the first person to approach me and the only person I ran up to, jumped up and gave a huge hug. He held me tight, as though he didn't want to put me down and let me go. It felt like you have been separated from this person and that person comes back to you, and as though the separation never occurred.

It kinda felt like my heart was completely whole again, with no mending scars, no remorse memories, just a complete heart.




He spoke to me and said he prayed to God everyday for one thing, and that one thing is to see my face for the last time...

His dream came true.



I still remember it.

Perhaps maybe because I keep thinking about it. I mean, it's just a damn dream for goodness sakes!

But why do I think about it? Why permit this thought in my head? And why do I still remember?

Accept it

You can't argue with that.
You can try to hide and deny the feelings, but it will creep up and resurface.
Accept it, but slowly and surely.
And pray it will come at ease.

Keep in the mind what the heart doesn't want.
You can't force it, nor ignore it.
Accept it, and forgive yourself.
And be aware of the actions that involve with this feeling.

Nostalgia

the things you do to me...

What a Blessing!

"Sometimes I just wonder how these babies will grow up and who will they become in the future..."



I am currently in the OB(obstetrics)/maternity rotation for nursing, and so far it's killing me and pushing me through the ground! I literally study everyday, and read everyday, but I feel like it's never enough. Even though I like what I'm learning and this is the field where I plan to work for, it's so overwhelming. I never tried so hard in school ever! =(

The past weeks I've been in the N.I.C.U. (neonatal intensive care unit) and at times it makes me sad. There are babies there who are premature, multiple gestations, babies born with congenital anomalies, babies from a mother who has a history of substance abuse and illegal drugs, and babies who require intensive care and monitoring and so forth....

There was a baby who was in the NICU, born at 24 weeks (term is 37,) 1lb, assistive breathing via ventilator, IV lines like crazy, born blind and deaf, no quality of life, mother 17, and father 24. That day they were deciding if they were going to pull the plug. Next week he wasn't there.. Can you imagine what this little tiny baby was going through? How helpless he was feeling and how medicine couldn't help him. I can only imagine....

There was another baby in the NICU born prematurely, but her parents have a history of cocaine and meth use. It makes me sad that their babies have to go through the pain and suffering, but their parents doesn't have to go through it.

One more story (sorry to get all emo) there were twin girls, born 29 weeks gestation, both around 3lbs per baby. They need constant monitoring and gavage feeding (intubated tube going to the stomach). Their mother had not seen them for a little over 2 weeks, and right away that is considered abandonment.

It truly breaks my heart for parents who shows signs of neglect and abandonment towards their newborns. Newborns require lots of attention and your time. If you're not going to show love and care for your babies, don't have one!

As a nursing student and a future RN, I can't be judgmental about people. My job is to provide care for those who need it. My job is not to express how I feel towards them because, quite frankly, my personal opinions doesn't matter. The key to working in the these facilities is not getting too involved psychosocially because it will get to you. This area is a little sensitive because this is the first time that I'm trully exposed to it. I want to share to people that these are real live stories and this is occuring everyday.

Even though the NICU is a little heartbreaking, there are many times where it's very rewarding.

There was this time where I was feeding a baby. A week before they weren't sure if he was going to make it. It was either he wasn't heading towards a bad direction, or a healthy state. A week later, I was feeding him and changing his diaper, and he had a really stinky bowel movement HAHA. But that's ok. Then later that day he was discharged to parents who has been there everyday for their baby and couldn't wait for their baby to come home. Now this is what I want to see, but unfortunately the world isn't like this.

I've been in the nursery and I loved it! When a baby is born, the labor and delivery nurse does a quick assessment to the baby, to make sure the baby is okay and doesn't require interventions. Then the baby is given to the mother to create bonding and attachment. If the baby is okay, the baby goes to the nursery to be further assessed including vital signs, bowel sounds, breath sounds, length and measurements, assessing reflexes, baby's firth bath and so forth. I was able to assess these healthy babies and able to hold them and care for them.

I saw a father in the nursery and family members taking pictures and just truly happy to have a new member added in the family.

I saw a baby who got circumcised, and poor baby! Every little clip, he was crying. I cringed everytime the doctor did a little cut.

I saw new mothers and families at the window, eager to hold or breastfeed the baby.

The babies cried every time their diapers were wet or if they were hungry. Then they would easily go back to sleep.

You know it's rewarding when you see the look on the new mommy and daddy's faces when they get to take their babies home. You can feel how madly in love and how eager they are to take care of their new baby.

Sometimes I just wonder how these babies will grow up and who will they become in the future. Who knows?