Unavoidable

I lay sleeplessly in bed thinking
"What do I do now?"

Complications

At this point of my life, I'm faced to answer this question,
"Which path do I follow?"

I just cannot change.

It really bothers me when I’m underestimated.

I may not be as intelligent as people may think, but I know for sure I’m not as dumb as it seems. Sometimes the ditsy girl of me comes out, it’s uncontrollable and it’s there, but I secretly try to hide it.

I’m not booksmart. However I work very hard to get the grades I get. I invest so much time and I hope to get the grades I deserve. I always try to keep a positive attitude towards nursing school. Because you have to mentally prepare yourself just to survive and make it through. Unfortunately, there are nights where I want to give up. Bags under my eyes, grey hair and wrinkles are forming, migraines are occurring due to lack of sleep, and the worst of me comes out. I just to have to suck it in and deal with it.

I know I am a horrible driver. I try to avoid driving as much as possible. I know I am constantly criticized of how I drive, but I personally do not care. I attempted to change and get better by focusing on how I’m driving. Then I realize that I’m putting way too much energy on how I drive more than just simply focusing on the rode.

I am not materialistic as it seems. Yes I like stuff, they are nice. But all they do is temporarily make me feel pretty and make my life a little bit more convenient. I would rather just spend time with you. I would give up my stuff to have someone special to spend time with. That is what matters more to me.

Sometimes it's better to just forget...

I forgot how much it hurts to actually cry. I forgot how much your chest hurts just to breath, how hard it is it find your breathe, and how much you struggle just to inhale and exhale so passively. I forgot those endless nights where your thoughts are consumed with disappointment and sorrow. I forgot those nights where you lay there feeling really pathetic for even letting it happen.

Why must you return?

I am ready.

There are many advantages to being single. One, you can flirt, dance, talk, go out on dates, whatever you like with whomever you please to. You can have fifty plus first dates and be able to feel new and excitement with each person. Second, no one can get mad at you for your actions, other than your close friends and family of course and assuming if you take their thoughts into consideration. You don’t have to feel bad for hanging out with your friends. It’s all about you. Third, being single gives you the opportunity to meet different types of people. People who love to party, people who prioritize school, people with passion, people with talent, people who love food, people who are sensitive, people who are assertive, people with different backgrounds and/or religion, people with other priorities, you name it, it’s all yours. Fourth, you can have fun, “live the life,” and fool around with whomever without anyone knowing that side of you. This is beauty of being single. However to me, single means finding out what you want, a time for self reflection and growth, and a period of time that will lead you closer to who you are meant to be with.

There are many disadvantages with being single. One, really important one is You are alone. One scenario I would like to share is when all your friends are with their significant other and you are home on a Saturday or a Friday night not knowing what to do, wishing you were out. Another scenario is when a very close loved one has past away. You long to talk to someone at the end of the day, just to make yourself feel better. Sure talking to your friends can make you feel better, but talking to a significant other seems more pleasing in some situations. They would be there for you when you need to repeat memorable stories, to cry on their shoulder and to simply make you feel better just because they’re there. They can take you out on dinners or parties or picnics. They can take you to Disneyland and be your riding buddy. You can take mini vacations and they can take you to Broadway shows or museums or road trips. You can finally wear your dress that you've been waiting to wear and haven't worn since you bought it weeks ago. You can make them freshly baked cookies or chocolate covered strawberries. When you see a cute chick flick trailer, all you gotta say is “I wanna watch that movie” and soon you’ll be watching it next Friday. My point being is when you have someone, you have someone to share and create memories with. And you don't have all that when you're single.

At this point of my life, it seems that a lot more people enjoy being single. I’m young, and I’m almost 21. There are so many people out there for me and more logically it’s better to be single right now. However I’m tired of being single. I’m tired of feeling alone. I guess you can say I want someone there. I want someone to like and for that someone to like me back. I want something to look forward to. I want to feel loved. I am a loving person and I feel that’s what I’m missing in my life.

I’m ready to open my thoughts and emotions. I’m ready to settle down. I’m ready for a relationship and to commit once again. I am ready.

=)

I've been wanting to say this.... I'm finally happy!!!!

When faced with challenges...

There may be days when you get up in the morning and things aren't the way you had hoped they would be... that's when you have to tell yourself that things will get better. There are times when people disappoint you and let you down, but those are the times when you must remind yourself to trust your own judgments and opinions, to keep your life focused on believing in yourself and all that you are capable of. There will be challenges to face and changes to make in your life, and it is up to you to accept them, and to constantly keep yourself headed in the right direction for you. It may not be easy at times, but in those times of struggle, you will find a stronger sense of who you are. So when the days come, those days that are filled with frustration and unexpected responsibilities, remember to believe in yourself and all you want your life to be, because the challenges and changes will only keep you to find the goals that you know are meant to come true for you.

Keep believing in yourself.

"A beautiful flower"

Andres Dela Cruz was my loving grandfather, the father of my mother.  It was the morning of the 28th of June 2009, at nearly 0600 when my mother called me at the house phone and in  San Bernardino where I was staying at the time.  My mother's voice was trembling, while I heard the sound of pain and her broken heart thru her breathes.  She immediately had told me to take my sister and my brother to Kindered Hospital where my grandfather was staying, which was located in Covina.  With fear and great concern, I asked my mother "What's happening?  Is Ama okay?"  With her trembling voice she responds, "Ama's not here anymore."  At that precise moment, my heart sunk.  My hands were trembling, I was speechless.  I stared at the phone, not knowing a single thing what to do next.  I felt a big lump in my throat, where I couldn't even swallow my saliva, where I couldn't even move, couldn't even blink.

When we arrived at the ICU, my whole family was there, aunts, uncles, cousins, and extended family.  And there was my grandfather, laying peacefully, while my grandmother holding his hand and weeping in silence.  I touched his soft, cold hand and his cheeks.  He was finally painless.  I sobbed and thoughts of my fondest memories I had with my grandfather was replaying in my head.

It was a few years back when Ama was in the hospital.  A drunk driver had accidentally ran over my grandfather while walking across the street.  Ama was immediately rushed to the hospital with broken ribs and unable to move besides opening his eyes, opening and closing his mouth, and breathing through a tracheal tube.  My family and I visited him one particular day, and he was always delighted and looking forward to see every one of us.  My uncle asked him, "Ama, can you tell me who that is," pointing towards me.  Ama responds, "magandang bulaklak" -"A beautiful flower."  My dad asked how he was feeling.  Ama responds, "I don't care what happens to me or how many bones I break, just as long as I am able to move my lips to kiss my wife.  That's all I need."

Back in 2006 I celebrated my 18th birthday.  It's a big celebration in the Filipino culture, composed of 18 roses, 18 candles and a court of 18 people, including the debutant.  The 18 roses are composed of 18 significant men that is special to me and have touched my life in some way.  The 18 roses does a special dance with the debutant.  My grandfather was one of my roses.  Ama had already been on the wheelchair then, and was only able to walk and stand in a very limited amount of time.  I told him he can just sit on his chair while we dance.  He refused and said he wouldn't miss it for the world to be able to dance with his youngest granddaughter.  With all his strength, he stood up and gave his best, just simply to make me happy.  I wouldn't have traded this moment for anything.

The happiest I've ever seen Ama was at his 60th anniversary.  We celebrated this event this past March.  He was the luckiest and happiest man I have ever seen.  My grandparents renewed their vows, the whole family was present, and he was smiling throughout the whole day.  He was on his walker at that time due to his shortness of breath.  However, when he walked down the isle with his bride, he walked with strength and with complete love by holding only her hand, just like the day they got married.  By the time they have reached the altar, he sat back down and said, "I'm never too weak to walk down the isle with you."

One of his wakes, my aunt had asked every one of his grandchildren to say a eulogy in front of everyone.  When it was my turn, I stood in front of the podium.  Then my mind went blank and I froze.  I stood there holding the microphone and words came out.  However at that moment, I didn't really know what I was saying.  So this is my eulogy I never got to say...

I will never forget about Ama.  He had the strength, love and wisdom of a loving husband, father and grandfather.  He was loved by many and touched lives by showing examples of simply how to be happy with life.  Never in my life have I ever seen him mad.  He was never angry or sad, because he simply didn't have that kind of heart to show that emotion.  My mother even said he never got mad at her or her siblings.  Ama was the happiest person I have ever met.  I don't know anyone who can top that.  He was always smiling and laughing.  He would tell his stories about his life, stories about the people that have come across his, and stories of how he met my grandmother.  He would say them in Tagalog of course.  When he tells his stories, he would laugh in between.  It was a bit difficult to understand him, because I don't speak Tagalog and I can barely understand it, unfortunately I was unable to completely grasp his stories.  One of his gifts was making others laugh.  He use to tell jokes and make stories sound funny.  But every time he laughed, I laughed.  His laugh was contagious and I will always remember his laugh and his bright smile.  Ama was a great provider.  Throughout his life, he always worked.  Back in the Philippines he worked as a farmer, until he moved to the USA and worked in the laundry business.  He retired and still provided for his family by going around collecting recyclable cans, until a couple of weeks prior to his admission to the hospital. He was a very strong man.  Even at his age, he would go out and get his cans.  He use to say how it gave him exercise by walking and explained how he still wanted to provide for my grandmother.  There was a time when he was hit by a drunk driver and was then sent to the ICU.  He fought hard to live and fortunately get better.  I thought at that moment that we lost him, boy he fooled us!  He was a very persistent and was a hard-working man.  There was another incident where he was collecting his cans, pushing his little cart, and he got lost.  The whole family was worried sick because he had not gotten back home when he was suppose to.  He use to live in azusa, and they found him walking around Seafood City which was far from where he lived.  He told us, "I wasn't lost, the cart was taking me with it."  Last but not least, he had the biggest heart.  The love he had for my grandmother (Ina), was the kind of love that was full of compassion and happiness.  In my eyes, it was the ideal marriage.  He did everything he was able to do to be a great husband and a father.  He would make my grandmother laugh every chance he got, did sweet things for her and was in love with her for over 60 years.  The love he gave her is what I would want.  He showed a greatest example of how a man should love his wife.  Although it wasn't crystal perfect, he did his best to show her every day how much love he had for her.  He showed the family how to love and he reunited us.  I know he left holes in our hearts, but I know he wants us to fill it with love and happiness.  

I miss you Ama... Mahal kita po.